Better living through chemistry?

One of my (few) favorite things about television are the commercials for designer drugs available now to make life more livable. I think that it is a great time to be alive when we can treat everything from hair loss to ingrown toenails with a simple pill. Who would want to cure cancer when that irritating canker sore is really keeping you up at night. It's gotten so that I saw a commercial for Bristol Myers/Squib with the tag line that they are working to "Cure the serious diseases." If you have to distance yourself from the competition by telling the general public that you are only researching how to stop terminal conditions and not attempting to find a pill for anal warts, perhaps it is time for the whole industry to re-consider it's priorities.

Of course, the thing that really makes the ads fun to watch are the side effects that can occur when you take the drug. If you have an enlarged prostate, you may be able to treat it as long as you don't mind abdominal cramping, headaches and the occasional alien bursting through your stomach. At least you will have a full stream of urine to soak that 12 year old Thai boy you saved up all year to go visit and keep for a weekend of fun and frivolity. (Sorry, that's another post.) By far my favorite is an ad I saw for the drug Requip which is FDA approved to fight RLS or restless leg syndrome. I had no idea that restless legs even had their own syndrome, much less that is was such a pressing medical issue that it required years of research, lots of funding, medical trials and of course a major ad campaign complete with plenty of shots of a newly liberated-from-his-horrendous-condition grandpa smiling with absolute bliss while pushing his granddaughter in a park swing at dusk in slow motion.

The side effects are amazing (and this is straight from their website as well as the commercial): " Requip Tablets may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. ".......I don't even know how to respond to that. How does a drug aimed at stopping your spazzy legs give you INCREASED URGES!!!! And why the hell would you want to take it. Your legs might not bother you anymore, but there is a good chance that you will not be able to afford the drug after you piss all your money away on internet blackjack and cheap hookers who will do the things your wife said she would not even do to Justin Timberlake enticing her on a bed made out of money and pottery barn gift certificates. I would also venture to say that any drug that could make you fall asleep during "normal activities such as driving" perhaps needs to go back to formula. The worst part of it is that the drug has been given the government stamp of approval. Damn!

I do not want to be too harsh on Requip. There are plenty of drugs out there now which will cure your mundane afflictions if you are willing to risk increased chance of nose bleed or anal leakage, it is just that Requip is the silliest one I have ever seen advertised. From the condition it treats to the possibility of you falling asleep at the wheel in order to find relief, it takes top prize in my pointless "search for a cure" contest. Most people would probably suffer any of these side effects if the drug cured heart disease or MS, but I guess the pharmaceutical companies have different priorities.

Until next time,
bottoms up, pillheads!